Grief is a natural response to loss in our lives and for most people grief is adaptive; whilst we experience the pain of our loss, over time it will ebb and flow and as we move forward, we are able, in time to adapt to a new normal, a life where we are able to carry our loved one forward with us into a new present, bringing them with us rather than feeling we need to leave them in our past.
Why do we get stuck in grief?
Complicated grief or prolonged grief is when grief that does not change over the passage of time. For most people the passage of time eases the pain of their grief. With complicated grief you can feel frozen and as if time has not moved, months and even years on. It can be paralysing, affecting your day to day functioning, a sense of being trapped in inescapable quicksand.
People suffering from complicated grief can not begin to imagine a future without their loved one and can be angry at the world for what they perceive to be “moving on” and forgetting about their loved one. This thought can be so distressing to them that they stay rooted in the past with their loved one, ensuring that they will not be like everyone else, they will not forget them or leave them.
With complicated grief the survivor will often feel that they do not deserve to feel joy again, leaning into the past as a way of staying connected to the person they have lost, ruminating on the loss which in turn impacts on their living relationships.
Why does it impact current relationships?
When we are experiencing any form of trauma (yes, grief is a form of trauma) we need to find ways to tolerate what is going on within ourselves, sometimes this can be overwhelming causing us to become outwardly reactive, experiencing anger, panic, defensiveness, emotional outbursts and racing thoughts to name a few. Alternatively we may shut down and are left feeling “numb”, disconnected, unable to think, coping through escape and disassociation or move between the two states. When we are experiencing either state it is difficult to communicate to others how we are truly feeling leaving us feeling disconnected with our continued living relationships.
So how can we move forward?
When working with grief it is important to work within what is known as our window of tolerance, this is when we are emotionally regulated and working with what is manageable to us at the present time, if we overextend then there is a chance that we can slip into either of the states mentioned above. By gradually increasing our window of tolerance we adapt and are able to, in time reduce our sensitivity towards the strong emotions that overwhelm us, allowing us to begin to move forward into a new way of living with our loved ones in the present, recognising that we don’t need to “let them go” and forming continuing bonds, preserving a space for them in our life, in the present bringing us to a place where it is safe to talk about them and remember them.
What does this look like?
Start from where you are, carve out a safe space where you can sit with your grief, a place that provides a sense of balance and support for you, be it at home, in nature or somewhere else. A place where you can safely give your grief the space it needs and a space where you can then safely exit it and reenter the world, until the next time. A space where you can feel held, supported and connected.
Sometimes the thought of the journey can be overwhelming in itself and not everyone can face the journey alone. Sometimes we need a shepard to guide us through this new land and having the understanding of companions who may be family, friends, support groups or therapists to walk alongside us helps us to adjust to the new terrain along the way. In order to adjust we must safely approach our grief as we will never be able to master that which we avoid. A secure base can offer balance and support, it can also challenge you. It allows you space to cry and when the time is right will nudge you in the direction you need to go, helping you to tackle things and place one foot in front of the other, moving you gently into a new way of living in the present, whilst carrying the love with you from the past.